The More We Hold On, the More We Suffer
If there is one pattern I have observed repeatedly in my own life and in the lives of people around me, it is our tendency to hold on. We hold on to expectations, opinions, relationships, achievements, memories, identities, and even versions of ourselves that no longer exist. We often believe that holding on gives us stability and security. Yet many of our deepest frustrations arise not because life changes, but because we resist those changes. Yoga does not ask us to stop loving, caring, or working towards meaningful goals. It simply invites us to examine what happens when attachment quietly replaces awareness.
Attachment is not always obvious. We usually associate it with possessions or relationships, but it appears in much subtler ways throughout everyday life. We become attached to how we think a conversation should unfold, how another person should behave, how quickly our career should progress, or how our future should look. We create detailed expectations without realising it, and whenever reality follows a different path, disappointment naturally follows. The greater the attachment, the greater the struggle when life refuses to cooperate with our plans.
One of the reasons attachment creates suffering is that it places our inner peace in the hands of circumstances that we cannot fully control. We may work sincerely towards an important goal, yet the final outcome always depends upon countless factors beyond our influence. Other people make their own decisions. Markets change. Health changes. Opportunities appear unexpectedly, while others disappear without warning. Life has always contained uncertainty. The difficulty begins when we believe that our happiness depends entirely upon one particular outcome unfolding exactly as we imagined.
This became increasingly clear to me while running a business. Every entrepreneur develops plans, sets goals, and works diligently towards achieving them. Some projects succeed beyond expectations, while others require complete rethinking despite careful preparation. Earlier, I often found myself becoming emotionally attached to particular outcomes. If everything happened according to plan, I felt satisfied. If circumstances changed unexpectedly, frustration quickly followed. Gradually, I realised that I was not suffering because plans had changed. I was suffering because I had become attached to only one possible version of success. Once I learnt to remain committed to the effort while becoming more flexible about the outcome, work became surprisingly lighter without becoming any less meaningful.
Relationships teach the same lesson in an even more personal way. We naturally care about the people we love, and healthy relationships require commitment, affection, and responsibility. Attachment, however, often appears when we begin expecting another person to fulfil every emotional need, think exactly as we think, or behave according to the image we have created in our minds. The more tightly we hold another person within our expectations, the less freedom we allow them to simply be themselves. Genuine love grows through understanding and respect, while attachment often grows through control and fear of loss. Yoga gently encourages us to recognise the difference.
This principle also applies to our identity. Most of us carry ideas about who we are. We identify ourselves through our profession, achievements, education, beliefs, successes, failures, or social roles. These identities help us function in society, yet problems arise when we become completely attached to them. A person who defines themselves entirely through their career may feel lost after retirement. Someone who builds their entire identity around success may struggle deeply when faced with failure. Yoga reminds us that roles change throughout life. The awareness experiencing those roles remains much deeper than any temporary identity we adopt along the way.
Nature quietly demonstrates this wisdom every season. Trees release their leaves without believing they have lost their purpose. Rivers continue flowing without trying to hold on to the water that has already passed. Day naturally gives way to night, and night gradually becomes morning once again. Everything in nature participates in a continuous process of change. Human beings are no exception, yet we often expect our lives to remain fixed while everything around us continues evolving. Much of our suffering begins when we resist this natural rhythm instead of learning to move with it.
One of the greatest misunderstandings about non-attachment is that it requires becoming emotionally distant or indifferent. Yoga does not encourage such detachment. In fact, it encourages us to engage fully with life. We are invited to work sincerely, love deeply, serve generously, and appreciate the beauty of each moment. The difference is that we gradually learn not to make our inner peace completely dependent upon whether life unfolds exactly according to our preferences. We remain fully involved while recognising that change is an inevitable part of existence.
This understanding has influenced the way I approach both success and failure. Earlier, I often believed that success should be held onto and failure should be avoided at all costs. Over time, I realised that both are temporary experiences. Success creates opportunities but also new responsibilities. Failure often brings disappointment but also valuable learning. Neither remains permanent. When viewed through this perspective, life becomes less like a series of victories and defeats and more like an ongoing process of growth. Attachment begins to soften because we recognise that every stage eventually changes.
Yoga practice itself reflects this lesson beautifully. Some days the body feels strong and flexible, while on other days it feels heavy or tired. If we become attached to performing exactly as we did yesterday, frustration naturally appears. Instead, Yoga invites us to meet today’s practice exactly as it is. We continue practising sincerely, but we stop demanding that every session feel the same. This simple shift transforms the practice from a performance into a relationship with the present moment.
Looking back now, I feel that non-attachment has brought greater freedom into many areas of my life. It has not reduced my commitment to meaningful work, relationships, or personal growth. If anything, it has strengthened those commitments because they are no longer constantly burdened by fear, control, or rigid expectation. I can invest myself fully while remaining open to the possibility that life may reveal a path different from the one I originally imagined. Surprisingly, that openness often leads towards opportunities that attachment would never have allowed me to recognise.
Perhaps this is one of the quietest yet most profound teachings of Yoga. We do not suffer simply because things change. We suffer because we expect them not to. The more tightly we hold life, the more painful every change becomes. The more wisely we participate in life while accepting its natural movement, the lighter our journey gradually becomes. Non-attachment is therefore not about caring less. It is about caring deeply without allowing fear of change to take away the peace available in the present moment.
A simple observation for this week
Whenever you feel disappointed, frustrated, or anxious, pause for a moment and ask yourself, “What expectation am I holding on to right now?” Simply recognising the attachment often brings surprising clarity. You may discover that while you cannot always control what life brings, you can gradually loosen your grip on the expectations that turn ordinary change into unnecessary suffering.